by Bernice


This is not really fic. These are conversations. Snape and Lucius Malfoy, convinced, somehow, to allow someone to do a recall spell on them. They are in the great hall, under a spell, reliving and re-enacting their childhoods. To the Manor Born Malfoy and Guttersnipe Snape.

Lucius buys Snape’s friendship with weekly pocket money and occasional bonuses. This allows Snape to have a friend on his own terms, bypassing all those tricky trust issues. It gives Lucius power, which Snape refuses to acknowledge, it also means that Snape is not so poor that he’s a social embarrassment. Snape does not believe that he is paid to be polite, merely present.


"I don’t believe the school can make us do this! This work is not fit for wizards! This is house elf work!"

"I don’t think house elves work outside the castle, do they?"

"I don’t care! If we’re doing detention, then it should fit our station! Or my station, anyway. I mean, this is filthy!"

"Don’t see what you’re complaining about, it’s not like your doing anything other than standing there waving your arms around and whining."

"I’m not going to muck out animal pens! I am a Malfoy! Malfoys do not muck!"

"It’s okay. Here, you take that pen."

"No! I will not put my hands in filth. I can’t believe you’re doing this. Snape, you are... you are covered in waste."

"At least it’s not chicken shit. I hate chicken shit."

"You’re enjoying this, aren’t you."

"I’ve done worse. It’s just pooh, Lucius, everything poohs, even though you think your shit don’t stink, I’m here to tell you it does. Get shovelling. I don’t see why I have to be the only one cleaning up the animals, you threw the first hex after all."

"I was trying to save your non-existent dignity, Snape! I can’t believe I am expected to muck out Hagrid’s animals, just because I tried to save you from getting hexed again, and you don’t even care that we’re expected to clean up animal filth. I deserve better than this: I’m head boy!"

"You’re standing in a dung heap, too."


"You should find some old boots, Hagrid’s probably got some old boots around here you could borrow."

"You have bare feet, Snape. Bare feet!"

"Easier to keep clean. I only have one pair of shoes, I want to keep them clean."

"One pair? What happened to the pair I bought for you?"

"That’s them. I traded my old ones for some new paper."

"You filthy guttersnipe."

"Here, take the shovel, do some work."

"I’ll give you five galleons if you’ll do it all."

"Hmm... 10."

"All right."


"Buy yourself some new shoes."

"I only have one pair of feet. I’ll buy more books."

"Of course. I have no idea how you can be so cheerful about this... this job."

"I’d rather do this than polish the school silver."

"I’m surprised you haven’t stolen the school silver and pawned it for book money."

"Tried. It’s protected."

"Of course..."

"I got another detention for trying, too. Then I had to clean up awful things for Filch."

"They shouldn’t let that squib work here. It’s an embarrassment."

"Yeah, it must be hard for him, being a squib amongst all of us. I guess that’s why he’s such a bastard, to make sure we’re scared of him and don’t try to hex him or something."

"No... no I mean it’s an embarrassment to have a squib at Hogwarts."

"I know what you mean, Lucius, I choose to ignore it."

"Oh, he’s another one you fancy, is he?"

"No, not really."

"That makes one."

"I don’t fancy, Binns, though."

"I don’t see why you can’t develop a crush on McGonagall like most of the rest of the school. At leas that would be normal."

"She’s too skinny. She looks kind of ... dried up. She needs to gain some weight. Forty or fifty pounds. Get some boobs on her."

"Like Sprout?"

"Now there’s a woman! You could spend a week with those norks!"

"No, I couldn’t. Totally unsuitable woman. You need to learn how to direct your interest in others towards suitable goals."

"Like Hagrid."


"Got you."

"I do wish you’d stop going on about your crush on Hagrid. It turns my stomach."

"Oh, but he’s so-"

"Quiet, you! I will not listen to your mindless prattling about the grounds keeper. That half breed oaf is not in our class, Severus."

"Our class? We’re covered in shit. Or at least, I’m covered in shit. What class?"

"We are covered in ... filth ... as a punishment. For that enormous idiot, it’s his chosen life style!"

"I bet he’s-"

"I do not want to hear it!"

"Oh no, god forbid a Malfoy’s delicate little shell-likes should be sullied."

"Shell likes?"


"Oh, do learn to talk properly, Severus. You sound like the worst sort of muggle at times."

"You should learn more about muggles, Lucius, interesting people. Not so different from you and I."

"Me. You and me. Don’t say I when it’s not correct, you sound pretentious, and they are as different from us as chimpanzees."

"So it’s all right for you to sound pretentious! I like muggles sometimes."

"It’s not pretentious because I am a Malfoy, you are learning. I don’t trust muggle electrickery."

"I like their movies."


"Like our photographs, except they tell a story and it goes for hours."

"Sounds tedious."

"No, they’re fun. You should come see one with me sometime. I can sneak us in the back."

"Malfoys do not sneak."

"Well, you can pay for tickets and go in the front door then, you rich bastard."

"I have no interest in muggle entertainments, they probably beat sticks on rocks and grunt, and why you should find that fascinating escapes me. This is all the more reason for you to stay with me and follow my lead. I shall show you a world where you need never resort to such base amusements again."

"Sounds thrilling, pass the wheel barrow, will you?"

"I’m serious, Severus, you have to think of your future."

"Oh, sure, I’ll follow you anywhere, as long as you keep paying me."

(To be continued)


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