My Boyfriend's Back

(an iHero tag)

by Bernice

Note: this does mention a song 'My Boyfriend's Back by Alice Donut' and I've put the mp3 at the end.  If the link is dead, let me know and I'll reload.

Flash tried once again to push his way out of the plastic walls that had him trapped. Once again, he was foiled, as the walls increased in density to block him. Superman, tied to a chair in front of Flash's plastic cage, struggled against his Kryptonite enriched bonds, frustrated and futile, succeeding only in bruising his hands and exhausting himself.

Their captor laughed, a classic bad guy’s: “Mwahahahaha” and followed it with a cliché: “You’ll never escape, you costumed clowns!”

Flash was so annoyed by the stupidity of their predicament he nearly responded with ‘You’ll never get away with this, Collector!’ but restrained himself just in time.

Superman, skin tinged a sickly green and never one to miss the opportunity for a good superhero cliché himself, looked like he was about to say it instead, when the distant sounds of rock music floated into the room. A little sprinkle of dust floated down from the ceiling to decorate Superman’s hair like free floating dandruff.

“Aha,” said The collector. “How predictable. iHero! The last one I need to collect my set of The Terrific Trio!”

“Don’t let iHero hear you say that, he hates that name,” said Flash.

“Shut up, you fool,” said the Collector, banging on Flash’s plastic cage like Flash was a fish in an aquarium. “I knew he would come for you two, and I am fully prepared to spring my fiendish trap!”

Collector flicked a switch on the wall, and the rock music, which had been getting louder and louder, went suddenly quiet. “This will stop all electronically produced sounds from coming into the building. iHero will be as powerless as you two buffoons! Soon you will all be my prisoners!”

“My boyfriend’s back,” said Superman, conversationally, winking at Flash.

“Huh?” said Flash and the Collector in unison.

“My boyfriend’s back,” said Superman again, this time in a sing-song voice, “and you’re gonna be in trouble…”

Catching on, Flash rocked out on the hook, “HEY LA, HEY LA! HIS BOYFRIEND’S BACK!”

The walls shook just a little.

“He’s been gone for such a long time,” Superman didn’t have the best voice to carry a tune, but now he was going all out on volume.

Again, Flash screamed at the top of his voice, “HEY LA, HEY LA! HIS BOYFRIEND’S BACK!” Who said that being a superhero wasn’t meant to be fun?

“Now he’s back and things are gonna be fine!” sang Supes again.

The collector almost drowned out Flash’s hook when he screamed, “What are you two doing? Stop it! You’re ruining this for me!” Then the cracks in the ceiling and the walls were pretty noisy, too.

Shouting out the words, with only the barest attempt at the correct tune, Superman continued, “You're gonna be sorry you were ever born”, and Flash again screeched along with the “HEY LA, HEY LA! HIS BOYFRIEND’S BACK!” part.

Then a hole appeared in the bunker ceiling, and down came iHero, imposing in black and gracefully flying on a wave of power from his own voice:

“Cause he’s gonna make a pair of earrings from your severed tongue!”

All three of them came in on the hook, Superman smiling widely as iHero flicked off the electronic music dampener and blasted the room. Their bindings disintegrated, and it was worth the ringing in Flash's ears to watch The Collector scream 'Aaaargh!' and go smashing into a wall, hitting the ground and losing consciousness.

Flash grinned happily as iHero reached up to brush the white dust from Superman's hair with a proprietary flick, and Superman gave him a grateful hug, mumbling the chorus by himself.

“Hey La, Hey La! Your boyfriend’s back!”


(The Collector comes courtesy of The Simpsons. Of course.)

Free music - Alice Donut - My Boyfriend's Back and he's Got the Black and Decker.