The Lochdubhies!

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Episode 102 - A Pillar of the Community

(Screened on ABC Sunday 30th June 1996)
Newcomers to Lochdubh Vicky and Paul Jeffreys cause a stir. Vicky tries to put reluctant villagers back in touch with their Highland heritage, gradually alienating them. Hamish investigates when this unpopular, meddling newcomer, receives anonymous threats.
Hamish:       "Ahhh, some people have got no patience, eh, Jock?"

Lachlan:      "I'll thank you not to instruct me on black houses.  
              My Granny was born in one and dank, dark, smelly 
              holes they are too."
Vicky:        "But why? Why?"
Lachlan:      "I'm putting in a new septic tank. Alright?"

Hamish:       "Cuppa tea."

Rory:         "Culture?  Is it not just a piss up at the pub?"

Hamish:       "It's not meant to be a fly.  This one's a wee shrimp.  
              But it's more...the memory of a wee shrimp."
Hamish:       "I mean, if it actually LOOKED like a shrimp..."
Paul:         "...then you wouldn't catch anything."
Hamish:       "Correct."

Hamish:       "Barney, please, I don't want any knife fights in 
              Lochdubh."
Barney:       "Neither do I!"

Barney:       "Funny smell in here y'know."
Woman:        "I thought I smelled something."
Hamish:       "Might be the creels."
Isobel:       "No."
Vicky:        "Ahm, well, it's probably the fixing agent."
Isobel:       "Sorry?"
Vicky:        "I thought we ought to use a traditional fixing agent 
              for the tweed."
Isobel:       "Traditional fixing agent?"
Esme:         "But was that not...?"
Vicky:        "That's right - men's urine."

Hamish:       "Hey - is this thing MOT'd?"
Lachie Jr:    "What?"
Hamish:       "M-O-T'd."
Lachie Jr:    "No. Why?"
Hamish:       "Deuhhhhhhh....Just askin'."

Lachlan:      "My freedom to shoot vermin is to be curtailed, is it?  
              Aye, the ugly face of Fascism, boy."
Hamish:       "You're callin' me a...you're callin' ME a Fascist?"
Lachlan:      "If the cap fits, Hamish."
Hamish:       "Look, I'll tell you this, Lachlan.  This is bad.  This 
              is very, very bad.  And when I find who did it they're 
              in big...big trouble."
Lachie Jr:    "Well don't look at me, Hamish, I can't even spell."
Hamish:       (mouths) "Figures."

Lachlan:      "Hamish."
Hamish:       "Yessss."
Lachlan:      "Half the village wants rid of her, boy."
Lachie Jr:    "Aye, and so does the other half."

TVJohn:       "So it's crows nailed to doors and threatening letters 
              now, eh?"
Hamish:       "And how do you know about that?"
TVJohn:       "Isobel told me about the letter."
Hamish:       "I'm just after telling Isobel!"
TVJohn:       "She knew already.  Rory told her.  And the postman told 
              him.  And Esme told Agnes about the crow on account of 
              her niece Kirsty hearing  Vicky tell Cameron at the barn."
Hamish:       "Ohhhhhonestly this place!  Unbelievable!"
TVJohn:       "I know, I know.  You can't clean your ferret's cage out
              here without it being on CNN."

Hamish:       "Bruce?  What do you know about Bruce?"
TVJohn:       "Oh he's been screaming for you all day on the radio.  
              I told him you were out chasing poachers."
Hamish:       "Did he believe you?"
TVJohn:       "The man's a balloon.  Of course he believed me.  
              Especially when I told him you might have a confiscated 
              sea trout for him."

Rory:         "She's taken over the Keilig lock, stock and barrel.  
              Esme's fizzing."
TVJohn:       "Oooh, and her such a moist thing too."
Rory:         "It's a terrible thing when the powers of darkness 
              invade a man's private business."

Lachlan:      "Ah, Morningside, Calvinside, Backside, they're all 
              the bloody same.  Incomers.  Telling us how to live 
              our lives."
Lachie Jr:    "Aye, and buying up all the good houses so as local 
              people like TV John here have to live in caravans 
              without planning permission."
TVJohn:       "Aye."
Barney:       "Hey, wait a minute, I'm an incomer."
Lachlan:      "Aye, Barney, but, I mean, there's incomers and 
              there's incomers."

Lachlan:      "The boy's telling the truth, Hamish.  You couldn't 
              spell crow could you?"
Lachie Jr:    "No."

Isobel:       "Hamish, you think you know a lot about girls, but 
              you don't understand women."
Hamish:       "Oh, really."
Isobel:       "She could no more admit she was at fault than fly 
              in the air."

TVJohn:       "You know, I've just been thinking, Lachie."
Lachlan:      "Ah huh."
TVJohn:       "Maybe you could rebuild that black house.  Charge 
              the tourists a fiver a skull to sit inside it."
Lachlan:      "Do you reckon I'll get a fiver, do you?"
TVJohn:       "Or maybe even six."

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Last Update: 21 January, 1997