“Everything alright, Buck?” Ezra inquired, watching as the scoundrel made yet another trip to the batwing doors of the saloon to peer out into the street. Wilmington’s eyebrows drew down in a deep frown. “Mr. Wilmington?

“Huh?”

“You appear concerned. Have you upset some young lass and are waiting for a retributive father to come looking for satisfaction? ”

“Vin isn’t back.”

Ezra’s hands stilled. He had been routinely shuffling the deck in his hand. “I see.”

“It‘s been two days.”

Ezra pursed his lips thoughtfully and then shrugged. “Mr. Tanner’s jaunts into the wilderness are often a few days long.”

“Normally he lets us know how long he’ll be gone before he goes,” Buck argued.

When Vin had left the clinic two days earlier, Chris had just regained consciousness after sixteen hours comatose. Tanner had appeared okay, though strangely not exactly happy or relieved like the rest of the men. Buck was beginning to think that perhaps he should have followed his companion like he had wanted to. There had been something about Vin that hadn’t seemed right. Hell, when Vin had refused to lift a finger to save Larabee’s life, Buck had been flabbergasted to the point of rage. The moment Vin had stated his reasons, Buck had understood them. He didn’t necessarily understand how Vin could abide by them, but he could respect the young man’s way of thinking. Vin had placed what he felt were Larabee’s wishes above his own need to keep his best friend alive. That took the kind of loyalty that left Buck at a loss. Thankfully, Vin had changed his mind, defied his own principles and did what was required to save Chris, much to Buck’s and everyone else’s relief. Yet, Vin hadn’t quite seemed settled.

“Mr. Tanner is a very capable young man. I am sure he is fine.”

Buck nodded. “Vin can look after himself,” the scoundrel agreed, but then, it wasn’t Vin’s physical condition that was the focus of Buck’s concern. He had seen Vin’s eyes. The tracker was hurting... hurting badly. Buck mentally kicked himself. He should have at least asked where Vin was headed.

The big man glanced back out into the street. A swirling black duster caught his eyes. “Chris?”

Larabee paused and waited for Buck, the scoundrel jogging out to meet him. “Buck.”

“How you feeling?”

“Head’s still buzzing a little.” Chris showed few signs of his recent brush with death. He had good colour and the bandage around his head was gone.

“So where are you going?”

Larabee’s right eyebrow arched. “Out to my cabin. That okay with you, Buck?” Wilmington grinned. It was wonderful to hear the edge of irritability in his leader’s voice. There had been a while when he thought he’d never hear it again.

“Sorry, just thought you may have got it into your head to go after Vin.”

“Why?” Chris asked.

“It’s just that he’s been gone two days and...”

“Vin often goes off for a couple of days.” With that, Chris continued on toward the livery. Buck fell into step beside him. “Something on your mind, Buck?”

“I ain’t sure he’s alright.”

Larabee stopped walking. “What do you mean?”

Buck took a deep breath. “Don’t really know. He seemed, I don’t know. Not like Vin.” Larabee studied Buck carefully and then nodded. “Trouble is, I don’t know where he would have gone.”

“I do.” Larabee tipped his hat and moved off.

Buck felt relieved. Chris would handle things now. The happy man spotted a group of ladies moving down the street. “Well, hello there, darlin’s. Now where are three such lovely ladies off to this fine day?”

**********

Vin moved the piece of grass between his fingers. His eyes remained on the countryside far below him. Patterson Ridge was his favourite place on the planet. From this spot, some two hundred feet above the valley below, he could see the world extend out below him. Few, if any other human ever ventured up here. The climb was difficult and dangerous for a horse, but Peso knew the trail well.

One of the things Vin loved about this spot was the isolation. The only sounds were nature in her purest form. Birds, the wind and insects. No carriages. No voices. No guns. Here, Vin felt comfortable. This was his world. He didn’t belong to world of houses, shops and people. Tanner was as much a part of the wilderness as the trees and birds. Here, he could lose himself in nothingness and all of the problems that constituted his life were left at the bottom of the range. Unfortunately, his troubles had followed him this time. His concerns were not related to himself but to a sacred bond he felt he had dishonoured. How could he ever look Chris is the face again?

A distant sound alerted him to the approach of a rider. Vin lay his hand on his mare’s leg and listened intently. He searched for one sound in particular that would confirm his suspicions. Vin tuned out nature, focusing solely on the clamouring sounds of a horse trying to negotiate the treacherous path. As the intruder came closer, Vin identified the sound of jingling spurs. The young man relaxed and then his chest lit up with concern. It was time to face Chris, but he wasn’t sure if he was ready. He wasn’t sure if he would ever be ready.

Larabee dismounted and after securing his horse to a bush, the gunfighter strode across to Vin and sat down beside him. He said nothing. He had not come to intrude. He had come to dispel his concerns. Never at any stage had he been headed for his cabin, but it had seemed easier to say that. Vin was a private man. The last thing he would want was anyone thinking Chris had been ‘checking up on him.’

Larabee focused on the sky out in front of him. He had seen Vin’s eyes when he had regained consciousness. He had known instantly something was wrong - something that had nothing to do with the fact that he was lying in the clinic. When Vin had left, Chris had sensed his friend’s pain and need to get away so he could come to terms with whatever it was that was troubling him. At that point in time, Chris hadn’t known what the problem was, but he respected his best friend’s privacy and so hadn‘t pushed. Buck’s explanation of what had happened a few moments after Vin’s departure had given Chris enough detail to know exactly what was the source of his best friend’s anguish. He had hoped that Vin would realize... but obviously he hadn’t. Clearly, there were some things Vin needed to be told.

Larabee had been more than prepared to give Vin the time he needed, but his friend’s failure to return after forty-eight hours prickled the older man’s anxiety.

For almost five hours the two men sat without exchanging a single word or glance. The sun descended, the spectacular sunset illuminating the world with a beauty few took any notice of.

Finally, Vin sighed. It was time. “I need to know, Chris.”

Larabee considered his words carefully. “If I was ready to die?” He knew that was what Vin was asking. He knew the fact that Vin had ’interfered’ was haunting the young man, but Chris wasn’t prepared to lie to his best friend. “I’ve been ready to die for three years.”

Vin Tanner cursed himself and dropped his face. He had meddled in Larabee’s life and he had had no right to do so. He understood Larabee’s wish to move on. Vin himself had had the same wish... until he had arrived in Four Corners.

Chris found himself searching for a way to explain how he felt. He needed Vin to know. “When I came back and found Sarah and Adam, I prayed death would come and take me. I wished I had been there with them. I didn’t want to live.” Larabee focused on a spot out in front of him. This wasn’t easy. The very memory of his wife and child tore at his heart.

“I’m sorry, Chris.”

Larabee grunted. “The pain was like nothing I had ever felt before. Death seemed to promise relief. In a lot of ways, I went out looking for it, hoping that we’d meet and I would lose. Yet, every time we crossed paths, I won. No matter how much I wanted to leave this existence behind and go to be with my wife and child, I couldn’t.”

Vin raised his face and looked across at his friend. “Why?”

“For three years, I didn’t know. I didn’t want to know. I wanted to believe that without them I couldn’t go on, but the sad thing is, I could and I did and the guilt of knowing I could was burning a hole in my gut.”

“Doesn’t mean you didn’t love them, Chris.“

Chris Larabee watched an eagle circle above the ground. “I know that now.“

Vin returned his attention to the expanse out in front of him. He had never heard Chris speak so passionately. Suddenly he felt the need to share something private with his best friend. “When I was five, I lost my Ma. Putrid fever.” They had never discussed his past. The only person he had told anything to was Nettie Wells and on only one occasion.

“Your Pa?”

“I never knew him.”

Chris frowned. “So what happened?”

“When she died, I went to stay with the minister until the funeral. After that, they put me on a train.” Vin shook his head. He had never been so scared in all his life. He’d been five years old. They had stuck him on a train with a single suitcase. All of his toys, all of his things, everything that was familiar to him was left behind.

“An orphanage in the city?”

Vin nodded. “I wanted to die. I wished I had died with her.”

“But you went on.”

“Yeah. No one’s ever given a damn about me since then. Guess that’s why I’ve never stopped longing for the peace of death. Does that make me a coward?”

Chris felt Vin‘s pain to his core. He understood it for it was his own. “If it does, it means I’m one too.”

“If we want it, why do we fight it?”

“It’s not death we’ve ever been looking for, it’s a reason to go on.”

Vin raised an eyebrow. “Since when did you start makin’ statements like that?”

Larabee grinned. “Let’s just say I’ve had this conversation before with someone else.”

Tanner returned his friend’s grin. “The preacher sure knows his stuff.” For several seconds their eyes remained locked together, each searching to ensure the other was okay.

“We should make a move. The light will be completely gone, shortly.”

“I guess.” The two men rose to their feet. “Chris, I didn’t have the right to interfere. If I’d been stronger I wouldn’t have, but... I just couldn’t... I’m sorry. I had no right to interfere.”

Larabee turned and strode for his horse. “No one else had the right to interfere,” he corrected.

Vin stared after his companion. Chris sensed his friend’s confusion and distress. There were a lot of things he and Vin didn’t need to say, but there were some things that needed to be said... things Vin needed to be told. Larabee stopped and turned.

Tanner’s face clouded with emotion. Chris strode back to him and placed one hand on his best friend’s shoulder. “I found my reason to go on. I still love Sarah and Adam so much it hurts, but I’m not ready to go to be with them just yet. You and I’ve got too much living to share.” Chris smiled gently and then swung back toward his horse. “Reckon we should camp here the night. I don’t like the idea of negotiating that path in the dark.”

Vin swallowed and nodded unconsciously. “I’ll rustle us up some grub,” he whispered.

“Good, I’m hungry. But not snake. It gives me gas.”

“Thanks for the warnin’.”

Larabee watched his friend go. Vin didn’t know how to handle affection, the gunfighter realized. Why should he? By the sound of it, the young man hadn’t had any since he was five.

An hour later the sun had disappeared and the two men were finishing their meal.

“What was that?” Chris asked, taking a long draw on his canteen.

“Don’t exactly know. Let’s hope it wasn’t poisonous.”

Chris pulled the canteen from his lips. “You hope it wasn’t poisonous?!”

“Relax Chris, I ain’t lookin’ for death no more either.” The young man’s voice dropped. His eyes came up to meet his best friend. “Found my reason to go on one day in a no nothing town when a trail herd got it into their heads to hang an innocent man simply because he was black.” Tanner turned from Chris and focused on his empty mug. “I don’t always say what I’m feelin’ but I want you to know that you... “

Chris smiled when Vin couldn’t finish. “Same here.”

“Reckon I’ll turn in,” Vin stated settling himself on his bedroll. “Good night, Cowboy.”

The gunfighter smiled. He felt exceedingly fortunate at the very moment and closer to Vin than he ever had before. Cowboy! Only one man got away with calling Chris Larabee, 'Cowboy'! You smartass bastard! You're the only man who ever challenges me... you never do what I say just because I say it. Chris Larabee shook his head. Pigheaded, sonofabitch... I couldn't ask for a better brother.

As Chris watched Vin lay down, he found himself reflecting on the day they had met. It had only taken a single look. A meeting of souls. In that instant, Larabee’s life had changed. The entire focus of his existence altered. No longer was he searching for a reason to go on. In Vin Tanner’s eyes that day, he had found what he had lost... and so had Vin. In each other they had found family. Vin understood Chris better than anyone the gunfighter had ever met. He probably understood Chris better than the man did himself. Larabee had an implict knowledge of Tanner. He didn't know why, he just did.

“Good night, Vin.” You aren‘t alone anymore, Cowboy. Someone does give a damn about you.

Silence descended in the small camp.

“Chris?”

“Mm?”

“How’s your head?”

“Feelin’ a lot better than my stomach. That crap you caught for dinner’s given me gas.”

Laughter filled the night. Laughter not at the situation but laughter that signaled the release of emotions.

“Chris, there are some things I don’t need to be told!”

© May 2001 Brigitta B. : This relates only to the creative property in this story. The distinctive way the story unfolds, the specific dialogue and unique situations are mine. I acknowledge that some of the characters and settings belong to MGM and Trilogy Entertainment and thank them sincerely for turning a blind eye so I can borrow them. (g) No infrigement of copyright was intended and no profit has been made from this story... so, please don't sue me. It wouldn't be worth your while.